You may be getting the idea by now; I think my sister is a bit of a loon. I try to plan for her lunacy at all times. I find most family gatherings go better that way. However, over the last 30 years or so she has managed to shock, surprise and screw me over on many occasions. She is a big fan of hugely derogatory untruths and exaggerations that show me in a bad light, ridicule for real or imagined personality traits as well as just shocking behaviors and criticisms that come out of left field. I admit, I am weak, I put up with it. I really hate making a scene and honestly, her carrying on is so over the top it really is not worth it. Besides, I have been entertaining my friends with crazy stories about my sister since I was in elementary school. This is one of those stories...
Now, I do try to avoid staying at my sister and her husband's house. She gets a bit put out when I don't stay at her house when I travel to the city she lives in. Unfortunately, I must go to offices around the corner from her house quite frequently. So more often than I would like, I find myself guilted into staying at her house. Good times!... My sister fancies herself quite the hostess and I really should consider myself lucky to be on the receiving end of her hospitality. I want to point out at this time that she and her husband are very well off. They have multiple spare/guest rooms. Even if they don't have other guests, I have always got the shitty spare room. Now, I don't think of it as the shitty spare room, I actually don't find the bed that uncomfortable. However, Tammy and Jerry are always at pains to point out that they think it is the most uncomfortable bed in the house. I have only once been upgraded to one of the 2 other (allegedly better) spare rooms (even though they have often been empty). I was thrilled that I got into the good spare room, it had a blanket on the bed. Normally, I am only allocated a selection of throws. No matter the lack of other guests, I am not allowed a blanket from the other rooms.
"It doesn't match the room your in."
" I know, but I foolishly have not brought warm enough pyjamas." Note the blame I place on myself for the need for proper bedding - Usually this downgrades the situation from a red alert to possibly a yellow alert.
"Well that's silly, didn't you make a list before you packed?" Note I cannot say "just give me a flipping blanket, it's freezing!"
"I know I know," I respond, " I am terribly disorganized, however I've only brought these light weight pyjamas - what can I say?" Note these are actually made of some NASA fabric made for winter camping - but I know I am going to freeze with just a throw.
Normally at this point she relents and gets me an extra throw. Much tsking and tut tutting as well as the lecture about taking up her time. Usually at this point a roach motel would be preferable, but it is family....
So, on one particularly heinous visit, there was quite a bit of excitement.
"You are going to love what we have done to your guest room." I'm thinking "thermal blanket?"
"Jerry has bought this just for your visit." I do not have any strange diseases or spreadable cooties like lice, I swear.
"It took him forever to get it ready." Now I have to say thank you and I have no idea what for. Can you imagine how Charlie Brown felt when Lucy was holding the football..........
I had arrived late (yet another inconvenience - I had offered to stay in a hotel but they wouldn't hear of it). So off we went to see the excitement; I'm praying for a blanket of some kind.
Lo and behold there is an air mattress on the bed. I am no longer allowed to sleep on a sheet on the bed. I have my own air mattress sitting on top of the sheet on the bed. I am not a leper!
I show my pleasure at their thoughtfulness - I really have no idea what is going on.
They say goodnight after I shower them with gratitude over my good fortune. An Air Mattress!
Now they say good night and I get into my night time NASA suit and try to get on the air mattress. Here, it gets really good. You see, Jerry not being the brightest bunny in the forest, didn't fill up the air mattress completely. I think he thought it would be like a pillow top on a mattress. Yes, he is that dumb. So, here I go. I sit on the air mattress, feet still on floor - kids, do not try this at home - I swing my feet up - the lack of air and my butt displacing said air cause both ends of the air mattress to snap upwards- it is now a venus fly trap and I am supper being folded in half by an air mattress I didn't even want. Being sandwiched by a rubber mattress is actually startlingly noisy.
I managed to get out of the damn thing, and get it off the bed. At this point I would really like to chuck it out the window. I didn't, but the next day I tried as hard as I could to convince Jerry that it was not comfortable. He didn't believe me, and Tammy was quite put out that I was critical of her clever husband. They finally grudgingly took it out of the room. This seems a humorous story? Wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that was little likelihood of ever hearing about the *&%**$ air mattress again? I am not so lucky!
One year, Tammy and Jerry came to my folks' new house for Christmas. I say new because they had recently down sized (they retired). Of course Tammy and Jerry, who are far more successful than my husband and myself assume they are going to get the only guest room in this much smaller house. They would be correct. Tammy and Jerry are staying for almost two weeks. We only live a half an hour down the road from my parents, so were getting out of the crazy bin every night. We were planning on spending lots of time over there and I thought being able to escape at night would be good for my marriage. Every day, my sister would beg and plead for myself and my husband to stay the night.
"We brought the air mattress - you know the one Jerry bought for you."
"Jerry spent all that money it would be nice if someone got to use it." When did air mattresses become expensive?
Every day the same conversation. My husband and I have pets and a business, so we had lots of reasons to get out of there.
"Why don't you stay, we brought your air mattress, you know the one Jerry bought for you?"
"No really, we have to go home, you know how the pets are...."
Finally, I relented. "We promise we'll stay late for New Year's Eve and we'll sleep on the air mattress then."
Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and all the days in between pass and finally it is New Year's Eve. Being the better chef my sister cooked a dried out bit of roast beef and some soggy vegetables. All in all a fairly dreadful meal. All bought in her hometown and driven 5 hours to Mom and Dad's. Lots of wine and other celebratory beverages. I didn't have to drive - remember we had the air mattress? Finally we have ushered in the New Year and I am ready for bed. I asked Tammy where the air mattress was - she looked at me very strangely and said,
"Air mattress? We didn't bring the air mattress. Why didn't you tell me you needed us to bring the air mattress?"
Really, this happened. My husband and I slept on sofa cushions on the floor with a throw. All the blankets were being used in the spare room. All that was left was a throw my sister searched for everywhere.
"If only you had been more organized you could have had bedding and the air mattress...."
We woke up stiff and uncomfortable. I have never heard mention of the air mattress again and if I do, I'll book a hotel.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Cooking Christmas Dinner, In Which I Learned The Merits of Being A Good For Nothing Bum.
Tammy is very particular. On a bad day I might call her controlling and on a good day I might say she has OCD tendencies. Over the years I have stopped assisting Tammy with anything in her home when visiting. It is easier to have Tammy and Jerry think I am a good for nothing lazy bum than endure the endless tirade about my inadequacies. Because of the wide range of topics I have received assistance with over the years, I have kept this list to things my sister feels are appropriate for behaviors in her house as well as mine. Over the years these criticisms have included lectures on the following topics:
Yes, my first home purchase was very exciting. Newly married, I was so proud to invite my family to my home for Christmas. I cleaned and cleaned. I decorated, planned, cooked and baked up a storm. Knowing my sister was coming, I arranged everything to her satisfaction and planned ways to make sure her way couldn't screw anything up. I spent quite a bit of time picking the serving dishes and serving utensils for each dish. They were ready to go and labeled- honest to God. I thought this would eliminate problems, confusion, forgotten items and yes, dare I say it cross words. I checked my list, not once or even twice. I put more planning into this than the Allies did for D-Day. Fortunately, I had warned my husband for years about my sister and he was prepared. Always ready to help by doing something humorous, idiotic or plain silly, he is often able to take the attention off the offending item/situation. We were prepared or so we thought.
You see, my sister, knowing whatever I did would be totally inadequate, came with all the Christmas dinner trimmings; I couldn't possibly have made the potatoes right, so she brought extra food just in case, snacks of all description - just in case, serving pieces- she knew I wouldn't have the right kind (apparently my good dishes -cleaned and labeled weren't good enough). The list went on. It took her almost two hours to unpack and organize her belongings and food. Then came the re-cleaning of her (oops) my kitchen. Re-cleaned and re-organized with the proper food and dishes in the right place, she was finally able to get started.
During this process, I had stepped out of the kitchen several times in an effort to keep the spirit of Christmas alive, you know goodwill towards mankind. This was not working because Jerry was in the living room and did not care for the wood I was burning or how I arranged it in my airtight wood stove. Now Jerry has never had a wood stove, he's from the city and pays far too much for his wood. Every time I offer to bring him wood I am ridiculed for my lack of knowledge about firewood. I think Jerry's wood guy is planning his retirement on my brother in law's back. I say good for him. Jerry is a twit, his fires suck and they never last. Let him go broke burning expensive firewood. So I was taking crap in the kitchen and the family room. I think it may have been on a par with Dante's third or fourth circle of Hell.
My sister took breaks in between cooking to point out the problems with my various kitchen implements and pantry organization. I finally reached the point where I was going to say something truly horrendous and so I went out for an hour walk. My sister took this opportunity to put the turkey in the oven. We have a raging debate over the temperature one should cook a turkey. It is a matter of pride for me because I think I cook the best turkey in my family. Moist, juicy, tender and cooked to perfection. Tammy was not interested in my turkey. So with no more pretense of me cooking Christmas dinner in my own home and the way my sister was carrying on about my turkey potentially ruining her Christmas dinner, I figure I was lucky to be invited to eat dinner with them. Just to be clear, my dad unaware of the storm brewing was reading a book and my mom was doing her best to keep the peace. Nobody wants a scene on Christmas Day, so she was really just going along with my sister. We are a cowardly lot, peace at any price is worth it, so we just carried on. Me quietly, my sister loudly and my husband doing really dumb things to make me laugh.
Finally dinner is ready and we are sitting down to the lovely meal my sister prepared. Turkey, gravy, potatoes (two kinds!), beets, squash, stuffing, etc.etc.etc. Such a joyous time, family gathered around the table. It was like a Coke commercial really, all peace and harmony. I was envisioning pictures of angels, dogs and cats curled up together, world peace and hymns in the background. Everything was served, the wine was poured, the toast was made and we were enjoying the bounty before us. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. This Christmas dinner was no different. As Tammy had cooked the turkey her way, it was dry & overcooked. I couldn't have been more delighted, petty I know. It turns out though, it was a good thing because my sister was able to demonstrate the inferior quality of my roasting pan. If only she had crammed hers into the already overladen car they had packed up with food and presents, this could have been prevented.
Packed in my sisters car was a lifetime supply of tupperware so she could take her food back home. She does this every time we have a get together. Unfortunately she didn't take the 15lbs of dried up turkey leftovers nobody wanted to eat at Christmas dinner. Fortunately, I have lots of soup and stew recipes so I cleverly disguised the turkey jerky with a multitude of other flavors and textures. The extra day it took for me to find my pots, utensils and spices as they had all been rearranged, was really great!. We never have Christmas at our house anymore. At least if we go to Tammy and Jerry's they know I'm lazy bum and they don't let me carry the good dishes ( I'm 45, by the way). Because I am known to be so useless, I'm only allowed to make the tea and take out the garbage. Minimal fussing over this so we (my husband and I) relax and have a drink while Tammy and Jerry,tut tutting over our laziness, do all the work. My husband and I make our own Christmas dinner the next day at our house. We now have our own tupperware collection for the leftovers.
- dish washing - Water temperature, rubber glove selection, order of dishes washed & rinsing style
- dish drying - Again it is all about the order as well as how many towels used and which towel is used on which item - Aren't the dishes clean?
- dish putting away - There is an appropriate order
- sweeping - Order around the room, type of equipment and broom sanitation
- parking the car - Location, when returning to the car as the driver I must open the passenger door for her first. She does not do this for me when I'm the passenger.
- laundry - Soap and cycle selection as well as what gets washed with what
- kitchen appliance arrangement on counters - Even if I drink enormous quantities of coffee, the kettle for tea takes precedence. Because Tammy does not make coffee at home, obviously the kettle is more important in my kitchen too!
- kitchen drawer and cupboard arrangement - Obviously there is a universal standard for which dishes are most commonly used and where they should be - duh!
- pantry arrangement - All pantries must be set up with her cooking in mind or it is just wrong!
- grocery shopping list order - Orderly list following the aisles of her local grocery store
- dishes/stemware I am allowed to use at her home - glassware, certain mugs, good pots, good cooking utensils - I have never broken anything at her house so I'm am not sure why I am subject to these rules
- bed making - Sheet corners and overhang must be a certain way. I try to stay at a local motel because it is just easier than the bed check and subsequent discussion over breakfast
- clothing - Apparently style and taste are not a personal thing
- my appearance-"I will not appear with you in public in that outfit."
- egg flippers - This is serious stuff - My selection of egg flippers is wrong. I like fried eggs hence the need for a slim flipper. Tammy does not eat fried eggs, she uses flippers for flipping meat or other heavier, thicker objects besides fried eggs. She brings me a new flipper every time and throws my egg flipper out. I have learned to hide mine until she is gone. We don't fry eggs while she visits.
- music - Also not personal taste - honestly who knew?
 |
| Not as Demanding as my Sister! |
Yes, my first home purchase was very exciting. Newly married, I was so proud to invite my family to my home for Christmas. I cleaned and cleaned. I decorated, planned, cooked and baked up a storm. Knowing my sister was coming, I arranged everything to her satisfaction and planned ways to make sure her way couldn't screw anything up. I spent quite a bit of time picking the serving dishes and serving utensils for each dish. They were ready to go and labeled- honest to God. I thought this would eliminate problems, confusion, forgotten items and yes, dare I say it cross words. I checked my list, not once or even twice. I put more planning into this than the Allies did for D-Day. Fortunately, I had warned my husband for years about my sister and he was prepared. Always ready to help by doing something humorous, idiotic or plain silly, he is often able to take the attention off the offending item/situation. We were prepared or so we thought.
You see, my sister, knowing whatever I did would be totally inadequate, came with all the Christmas dinner trimmings; I couldn't possibly have made the potatoes right, so she brought extra food just in case, snacks of all description - just in case, serving pieces- she knew I wouldn't have the right kind (apparently my good dishes -cleaned and labeled weren't good enough). The list went on. It took her almost two hours to unpack and organize her belongings and food. Then came the re-cleaning of her (oops) my kitchen. Re-cleaned and re-organized with the proper food and dishes in the right place, she was finally able to get started.
During this process, I had stepped out of the kitchen several times in an effort to keep the spirit of Christmas alive, you know goodwill towards mankind. This was not working because Jerry was in the living room and did not care for the wood I was burning or how I arranged it in my airtight wood stove. Now Jerry has never had a wood stove, he's from the city and pays far too much for his wood. Every time I offer to bring him wood I am ridiculed for my lack of knowledge about firewood. I think Jerry's wood guy is planning his retirement on my brother in law's back. I say good for him. Jerry is a twit, his fires suck and they never last. Let him go broke burning expensive firewood. So I was taking crap in the kitchen and the family room. I think it may have been on a par with Dante's third or fourth circle of Hell.
My sister took breaks in between cooking to point out the problems with my various kitchen implements and pantry organization. I finally reached the point where I was going to say something truly horrendous and so I went out for an hour walk. My sister took this opportunity to put the turkey in the oven. We have a raging debate over the temperature one should cook a turkey. It is a matter of pride for me because I think I cook the best turkey in my family. Moist, juicy, tender and cooked to perfection. Tammy was not interested in my turkey. So with no more pretense of me cooking Christmas dinner in my own home and the way my sister was carrying on about my turkey potentially ruining her Christmas dinner, I figure I was lucky to be invited to eat dinner with them. Just to be clear, my dad unaware of the storm brewing was reading a book and my mom was doing her best to keep the peace. Nobody wants a scene on Christmas Day, so she was really just going along with my sister. We are a cowardly lot, peace at any price is worth it, so we just carried on. Me quietly, my sister loudly and my husband doing really dumb things to make me laugh.
Finally dinner is ready and we are sitting down to the lovely meal my sister prepared. Turkey, gravy, potatoes (two kinds!), beets, squash, stuffing, etc.etc.etc. Such a joyous time, family gathered around the table. It was like a Coke commercial really, all peace and harmony. I was envisioning pictures of angels, dogs and cats curled up together, world peace and hymns in the background. Everything was served, the wine was poured, the toast was made and we were enjoying the bounty before us. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. This Christmas dinner was no different. As Tammy had cooked the turkey her way, it was dry & overcooked. I couldn't have been more delighted, petty I know. It turns out though, it was a good thing because my sister was able to demonstrate the inferior quality of my roasting pan. If only she had crammed hers into the already overladen car they had packed up with food and presents, this could have been prevented.
 |
| Where is my Prozac? |
Packed in my sisters car was a lifetime supply of tupperware so she could take her food back home. She does this every time we have a get together. Unfortunately she didn't take the 15lbs of dried up turkey leftovers nobody wanted to eat at Christmas dinner. Fortunately, I have lots of soup and stew recipes so I cleverly disguised the turkey jerky with a multitude of other flavors and textures. The extra day it took for me to find my pots, utensils and spices as they had all been rearranged, was really great!. We never have Christmas at our house anymore. At least if we go to Tammy and Jerry's they know I'm lazy bum and they don't let me carry the good dishes ( I'm 45, by the way). Because I am known to be so useless, I'm only allowed to make the tea and take out the garbage. Minimal fussing over this so we (my husband and I) relax and have a drink while Tammy and Jerry,tut tutting over our laziness, do all the work. My husband and I make our own Christmas dinner the next day at our house. We now have our own tupperware collection for the leftovers.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Engagement Ring, In Which I Learn about Recycling
Being the first of many stories I wish to share about my sister Tammy, I think some background would be helpful. This story occurred while Tammy was in her mid-twenties and was getting married for the second time (the first wedding/marriage/divorce is a whole series of stories for other posts). I was just an irresponsible university student learning about handing in papers on time and trying to drink as much beer as I could scam out of eager young university boys. It never occurred to me that by my sister's standards I was a rank amateur in the art of getting what you want from others, no matter how outrageous!
I was very excited to learn my sister was engaged again when I came home from my fall semester at school. I enjoyed my sister's first wedding thoroughly. Good food and free drink! I eagerly anticipated attending the second wedding. I figured the new husband couldn't be any worse than the first, so what the hell? I returned to University after Christmas and I figured I'd get the details as required.
Much to my utter dismay I came back for a weekend shortly thereafter to find my house and family in a total uproar. And I do mean an uproar. Actually, it was something out of a Tennessee Williams play. Everyone was emotional and my mom had tears in her eyes. Tammy was crying and speaking very sincerely to my parents. Hand on her forehead, "Daddy, he just can't do this to me!" This honestly happened and we're not even Southern. I was thinking the poor bastard had come to his senses and dumped her. What happened? What I eventually learned may explain why my mother was crying too!
You see, my sister's first husband was actually quite well to do. He had a collection of large uncut diamonds that he had purchased over the years as an investment, knowing that one day he would be able to have a lovely and unique ring designed for his bride to be. My sister had been the lucky recipient of this Rock of Gibraltar. Now, I know very little about diamonds but I do know when your talking about these symbols of undying love and eternity $20,000 -$30,000 means you really love somebody a lot. Now a gay divorcee, she wore the Rock of Gibraltar as a cocktail ring. So, getting back to the poor schlep that had just proposed and was now causing uproar. You see, he could only afford $5,000 for her new engagement ring. What was Jerry (the poor schlep) thinking, only $5,000? My sister was terribly worried that this was a bad sign for the marriage. Apparently, if you really, really love someone and they have been married before, you should know that their second engagement ring should be bigger, better and more expensive than their first. So, if your first engagement ring was worth in excess of $30,000, surely the second one should cost more!?!
None of us were very sympathetic to her plight. Privately my father said, "He should tell the #@*% to bugger off". I used this as insider knowledge in the pool I was running on how long the marriage would last ( I was a poor university student, I needed the money). God love him, he held on as long as he could, he really believed the money he was prepared to spend was quite respectable. I don't know how she got him to cave, but cave he did. I guess he really did love her. Maybe she witheld sex. This, I learned is a powerful tool with a man who has been raised to save it for marriage. Not being a virgin (after all, she had already been married once before) she convinced Jerry that it was OK for them to have sex. What's that expression about closing the barn door after the cow has run off... I have a feeling that now that he was a sexually active thirty year old he would have gone along with anything to keep that door open. Here comes the important lesson on recycling: the Rock of Gibraltar was kept, the $5,000 was put into two diamonds to sit on either side of the Rock of Gibraltar and a new setting was to be designed that allowed for more diamonds to be added as Jerry could afford it. She was bitterly disappointed a whole new bigger and better stone was not forthcoming. However, because her fiance was so hard up for cash (only $5,000), she was able to convince my dad that he had to pay for yet another wedding. After all, your second wedding has to be bigger and better than your first wedding. Fortunately for our father, she was was marrying into a teetotaling born again Christian family, so the bar bill wouldn't be too bad.
Shockingly, the wedding went ahead. Years later they were at some charity function, a prominent jeweler from the community came up to Tammy and said " That's one of the nicest diamonds I've ever seen." I'm not sure if she tells people it's from her first husband. That was over twenty years ago. Surprisingly, she and Jerry are still married, the Rock of Gibraltar now has an accompanying archipelago and I lost the wedding pool ($100). Most importantly, I learned about reducing your carbon footprint by recycling your engagement ring.
I was very excited to learn my sister was engaged again when I came home from my fall semester at school. I enjoyed my sister's first wedding thoroughly. Good food and free drink! I eagerly anticipated attending the second wedding. I figured the new husband couldn't be any worse than the first, so what the hell? I returned to University after Christmas and I figured I'd get the details as required.
 |
| "Daddy, he just can't do this to me!" |
 |
| Not Quite As Big As My Sister's Rock |
 |
| Reduce your carbon footprint |
Shockingly, the wedding went ahead. Years later they were at some charity function, a prominent jeweler from the community came up to Tammy and said " That's one of the nicest diamonds I've ever seen." I'm not sure if she tells people it's from her first husband. That was over twenty years ago. Surprisingly, she and Jerry are still married, the Rock of Gibraltar now has an accompanying archipelago and I lost the wedding pool ($100). Most importantly, I learned about reducing your carbon footprint by recycling your engagement ring.
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