Cooking Christmas Dinner, In Which I Learned The Merits of Being A Good For Nothing Bum.

Tammy is very particular. On a bad day I might call her controlling and on a good day I might say she has OCD tendencies. Over the years I have stopped assisting Tammy with anything in her home when visiting. It is easier to have Tammy and Jerry think I am a good for nothing lazy bum than endure the endless tirade about my inadequacies. Because of the wide range of topics I have received assistance with over the years, I have kept this list to things my sister feels are appropriate for behaviors in her house as well as mine. Over the years these criticisms have included  lectures on the following topics:

•  dish washing - Water temperature, rubber glove selection, order of dishes washed & rinsing style
• dish drying - Again it is all about the order as well as how many towels used and which towel is used on which item - Aren't the dishes clean?
• dish putting away - There is an appropriate order
• sweeping - Order around the room, type of equipment and broom sanitation
• parking the car - Location, when returning to the car as the driver I must open the passenger door for her first. She does not do this for me when I'm the passenger.
• laundry - Soap and cycle selection as well as what gets washed with what
• kitchen appliance arrangement on counters - Even if I drink enormous quantities of coffee, the kettle for tea takes precedence.  Because Tammy does not make coffee at home, obviously the kettle is more important in my kitchen too!
• kitchen drawer and cupboard arrangement - Obviously there is a universal standard for which dishes are most commonly used and where they should be - duh!
• pantry arrangement - All pantries must be set up with her cooking in mind or it is just wrong!
• grocery shopping list order - Orderly list following the aisles of her local grocery store
• dishes/stemware I am allowed to use at her home - glassware, certain mugs, good pots, good cooking utensils - I have never broken anything at her house so I'm am not sure why I am subject to these rules



Not as Demanding as my Sister!

• bed making - Sheet corners and overhang must be a certain way. I try to stay at a local motel because it is just easier than the bed check and subsequent discussion over breakfast
• clothing - Apparently style and taste are not a personal thing
• my appearance-"I will not appear with you in public in that outfit."
• egg flippers - This is serious stuff - My selection of egg flippers is wrong. I like fried eggs hence the need for a slim flipper. Tammy does not eat fried eggs, she uses flippers for flipping meat or other heavier, thicker objects besides fried eggs. She brings me a new flipper every time and throws my egg flipper out. I have learned to hide mine until she is gone. We don't  fry eggs while she visits. 
• music - Also not personal taste - honestly who knew?

Lectures accompanied by eye rolling, demonstrations, scientific explanations of her superior methodology and in fact public lectures when watching others or stumbling upon the appropriate equipment in shops or other people's houses. So, please keep in mind that these rules apply to me when I am visiting her house. More importantly, they also apply to me in my home when she is visiting. Tammy usually rearranges, fixes and supervises the areas where I need the most help. She has always been good at priorities. I am very lucky to have such a helpful, caring and knowledgeable sister. I am sure you will agree after you you hear about her generous help in my first home.

Yes, my first home purchase was very exciting. Newly married, I was so proud to invite my family to my home for Christmas. I cleaned and cleaned. I decorated, planned, cooked and baked up a storm. Knowing my sister was coming, I arranged everything to her satisfaction and planned ways to make sure her way couldn't screw anything up. I spent quite a bit of time picking the serving dishes and serving utensils for each dish. They were ready to go and labeled- honest to God. I thought this would eliminate problems, confusion, forgotten items and yes, dare I say it cross words.  I checked my list, not once or even twice. I put more planning into this than the Allies did for D-Day. Fortunately, I had warned my husband for years about my sister and he was prepared. Always ready to help by doing something humorous, idiotic or plain silly, he is often able to take the attention off the offending item/situation. We were prepared or so we thought.

You see, my sister, knowing whatever I did would be totally inadequate, came with all the Christmas dinner trimmings;  I couldn't possibly have made the potatoes right, so she brought extra food just in case, snacks of all description - just in case, serving pieces- she knew I wouldn't have the right kind (apparently my good dishes -cleaned and labeled weren't good enough). The list went on. It took her almost two hours to unpack and organize her belongings and food. Then came the re-cleaning of her (oops) my kitchen. Re-cleaned and re-organized with the proper food and dishes in the right place, she was finally able to get started.

During this process, I had stepped out of the kitchen several times in an effort to keep the spirit of Christmas alive, you know goodwill towards mankind. This was not working because Jerry was in the living room and did not care for the wood I was burning or how I arranged it in my airtight wood stove. Now Jerry has never had a wood stove, he's from the city and pays far too much for his wood. Every time I offer to bring him wood I am ridiculed for my lack of knowledge about firewood. I think Jerry's wood guy is planning his retirement on my brother in law's back. I say good for him. Jerry is a twit, his fires suck and they never last. Let him go broke burning expensive firewood. So I was taking crap in the kitchen and the family room. I think it may have been on a par with Dante's third or fourth circle of Hell.

My sister took breaks in between cooking to point out the problems with my various kitchen implements and pantry organization. I finally reached the point where I was going to say something truly horrendous and so I went out for an hour walk. My sister took this opportunity to put the turkey in the oven. We have a raging debate over the temperature one should cook a turkey. It is a matter of pride for me because I think I cook the best turkey in my family. Moist, juicy, tender and cooked to perfection. Tammy was not interested in my turkey. So with no more pretense of me cooking Christmas dinner in my own home and the way my sister was carrying on about my turkey potentially ruining her Christmas dinner, I figure I was lucky to be invited to eat dinner with them. Just to be clear, my dad unaware of the storm brewing was reading a book and my mom was doing her best to keep the peace. Nobody wants a scene on Christmas Day, so she was really just going along with my sister. We are a cowardly lot, peace at any price is worth it, so we just carried on. Me quietly, my sister loudly and my husband doing really dumb things to make me laugh.

Finally dinner is ready and we are sitting down to the lovely meal my sister prepared. Turkey, gravy, potatoes (two kinds!), beets, squash, stuffing, etc.etc.etc. Such a joyous time, family gathered around the table. It was like a Coke commercial really, all peace and harmony. I was envisioning pictures of angels, dogs and cats curled up together, world peace and hymns in the background. Everything was served, the wine was poured, the toast was made and we were enjoying the bounty before us. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. This Christmas dinner was no different. As Tammy had cooked the turkey her way, it was dry & overcooked. I couldn't have been more delighted, petty I know.  It turns out though, it was a good thing because my sister was able to demonstrate the inferior quality of my roasting pan. If only she had crammed hers into the already overladen car they had packed up with food and presents, this could have been prevented.

Where is my Prozac?

Packed in my sisters car was a lifetime supply of tupperware so she could take her food back home. She does this every time we have a get together. Unfortunately she didn't take the 15lbs of dried up turkey leftovers nobody wanted to eat at Christmas dinner. Fortunately, I have lots of soup and stew recipes so I cleverly disguised the turkey jerky with a multitude of other flavors and textures. The extra day it took for me to find my pots, utensils and spices as they had all been rearranged, was really great!. We never have Christmas at our house anymore. At least if we go to Tammy and Jerry's they know I'm lazy bum and they don't let me carry the good dishes ( I'm 45, by the way). Because I am known to be so useless, I'm only allowed to make the tea and take out the garbage. Minimal fussing over this so we (my husband and I) relax and have a drink while Tammy and Jerry,tut tutting over our laziness, do all the work. My husband and I make our own Christmas dinner the next day at our house. We now have our own tupperware collection for the leftovers.