You may be getting the idea by now; I think my sister is a bit of a loon. I try to plan for her lunacy at all times. I find most family gatherings go better that way. However, over the last 30 years or so she has managed to shock, surprise and screw me over on many occasions. She is a big fan of hugely derogatory untruths and exaggerations that show me in a bad light, ridicule for real or imagined personality traits as well as just shocking behaviors and criticisms that come out of left field. I admit, I am weak, I put up with it. I really hate making a scene and honestly, her carrying on is so over the top it really is not worth it. Besides, I have been entertaining my friends with crazy stories about my sister since I was in elementary school. This is one of those stories...
Now, I do try to avoid staying at my sister and her husband's house. She gets a bit put out when I don't stay at her house when I travel to the city she lives in. Unfortunately, I must go to offices around the corner from her house quite frequently. So more often than I would like, I find myself guilted into staying at her house. Good times!... My sister fancies herself quite the hostess and I really should consider myself lucky to be on the receiving end of her hospitality. I want to point out at this time that she and her husband are very well off. They have multiple spare/guest rooms. Even if they don't have other guests, I have always got the shitty spare room. Now, I don't think of it as the shitty spare room, I actually don't find the bed that uncomfortable. However, Tammy and Jerry are always at pains to point out that they think it is the most uncomfortable bed in the house. I have only once been upgraded to one of the 2 other (allegedly better) spare rooms (even though they have often been empty). I was thrilled that I got into the good spare room, it had a blanket on the bed. Normally, I am only allocated a selection of throws. No matter the lack of other guests, I am not allowed a blanket from the other rooms.
"It doesn't match the room your in."
" I know, but I foolishly have not brought warm enough pyjamas." Note the blame I place on myself for the need for proper bedding - Usually this downgrades the situation from a red alert to possibly a yellow alert.
"Well that's silly, didn't you make a list before you packed?" Note I cannot say "just give me a flipping blanket, it's freezing!"
"I know I know," I respond, " I am terribly disorganized, however I've only brought these light weight pyjamas - what can I say?" Note these are actually made of some NASA fabric made for winter camping - but I know I am going to freeze with just a throw.
Normally at this point she relents and gets me an extra throw. Much tsking and tut tutting as well as the lecture about taking up her time. Usually at this point a roach motel would be preferable, but it is family....
So, on one particularly heinous visit, there was quite a bit of excitement.
"You are going to love what we have done to your guest room." I'm thinking "thermal blanket?"
"Jerry has bought this just for your visit." I do not have any strange diseases or spreadable cooties like lice, I swear.
"It took him forever to get it ready." Now I have to say thank you and I have no idea what for. Can you imagine how Charlie Brown felt when Lucy was holding the football..........
I had arrived late (yet another inconvenience - I had offered to stay in a hotel but they wouldn't hear of it). So off we went to see the excitement; I'm praying for a blanket of some kind.
Lo and behold there is an air mattress on the bed. I am no longer allowed to sleep on a sheet on the bed. I have my own air mattress sitting on top of the sheet on the bed. I am not a leper!
I show my pleasure at their thoughtfulness - I really have no idea what is going on.
They say goodnight after I shower them with gratitude over my good fortune. An Air Mattress!
Now they say good night and I get into my night time NASA suit and try to get on the air mattress. Here, it gets really good. You see, Jerry not being the brightest bunny in the forest, didn't fill up the air mattress completely. I think he thought it would be like a pillow top on a mattress. Yes, he is that dumb. So, here I go. I sit on the air mattress, feet still on floor - kids, do not try this at home - I swing my feet up - the lack of air and my butt displacing said air cause both ends of the air mattress to snap upwards- it is now a venus fly trap and I am supper being folded in half by an air mattress I didn't even want. Being sandwiched by a rubber mattress is actually startlingly noisy.
I managed to get out of the damn thing, and get it off the bed. At this point I would really like to chuck it out the window. I didn't, but the next day I tried as hard as I could to convince Jerry that it was not comfortable. He didn't believe me, and Tammy was quite put out that I was critical of her clever husband. They finally grudgingly took it out of the room. This seems a humorous story? Wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that was little likelihood of ever hearing about the *&%**$ air mattress again? I am not so lucky!
One year, Tammy and Jerry came to my folks' new house for Christmas. I say new because they had recently down sized (they retired). Of course Tammy and Jerry, who are far more successful than my husband and myself assume they are going to get the only guest room in this much smaller house. They would be correct. Tammy and Jerry are staying for almost two weeks. We only live a half an hour down the road from my parents, so were getting out of the crazy bin every night. We were planning on spending lots of time over there and I thought being able to escape at night would be good for my marriage. Every day, my sister would beg and plead for myself and my husband to stay the night.
"We brought the air mattress - you know the one Jerry bought for you."
"Jerry spent all that money it would be nice if someone got to use it." When did air mattresses become expensive?
Every day the same conversation. My husband and I have pets and a business, so we had lots of reasons to get out of there.
"Why don't you stay, we brought your air mattress, you know the one Jerry bought for you?"
"No really, we have to go home, you know how the pets are...."
Finally, I relented. "We promise we'll stay late for New Year's Eve and we'll sleep on the air mattress then."
Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and all the days in between pass and finally it is New Year's Eve. Being the better chef my sister cooked a dried out bit of roast beef and some soggy vegetables. All in all a fairly dreadful meal. All bought in her hometown and driven 5 hours to Mom and Dad's. Lots of wine and other celebratory beverages. I didn't have to drive - remember we had the air mattress? Finally we have ushered in the New Year and I am ready for bed. I asked Tammy where the air mattress was - she looked at me very strangely and said,
"Air mattress? We didn't bring the air mattress. Why didn't you tell me you needed us to bring the air mattress?"
Really, this happened. My husband and I slept on sofa cushions on the floor with a throw. All the blankets were being used in the spare room. All that was left was a throw my sister searched for everywhere.
"If only you had been more organized you could have had bedding and the air mattress...."
We woke up stiff and uncomfortable. I have never heard mention of the air mattress again and if I do, I'll book a hotel.
No comments:
Post a Comment